I am often asked by families which parenting approaches are most effective with anxious children. I recommend positive parenting as the most helpful style because it decreases intense affect in parent/child communication and it requires parents to be proactive. Parents need to plan ahead and avoid issues rather than remain in a pattern of reacting to them. Below I have summarized some of the key features of positive parenting and listed several books and websites to explore.

Look for Good Behavior

It is easy for busy parents to fall into the trap of commenting only on behavior that needs changing. “Don’t chew with your mouth full,” “Pick up your room” and “Stop yelling” are a few examples of corrective comments parents make in an attempt to train their child to behave differently. With positive parenting, the focus shifts to praising and paying attention to the good behavior that is happening. “I’m glad to see you have a healthy appetite tonight,” “I notice you made an attempt to put some things away in your room,” and “I am so proud of the way you are sharing right now” are examples of this style. Sometimes it is even helpful to reward the positive behaviors as a way of reinforcing the concept that the right behavior receives a positive response. For example, a parent might say, “You did such a great job getting yourself ready for bed that I would like to read an extra book to you tonight!”

Avoid Problems

When possible, it is okay to avoid situations that lead to parent/child struggles until the child demonstrates better skills to manage the situation. An example of this is shopping at the supermarket. If a child has a tantrum, begs for items despite being told ‘no’, or routinely behaves in a disruptive manner in that environment, it is best not to bring her or him for a while. The parent then has the opportunity to tell the child what skills they will need to see for their child to be allowed to help them again in the future.(“When you show me that you can take ‘no’ as an answer,” or “When you are able to stay right with me you can come with me to the store.”) It is also helpful to make expectations clear ahead of time, and stay firm while in the environment. Commenting on the positive behaviors can help the child stay focused on what he or she needs to do as well.

Acknowledge Feelings

Children are very attentive to how they are feeling, and they respond well when adults acknowledge their feelings. Listening to their words and reflecting back what you hear in greater detail helps them feel understood and expands their emotional vocabulary. For example, if your child gets into the car after school and lets out a long, emotional sigh, you could respond with “I can tell by the sound of that sigh that you had a long day. You must be feeling relieved to have that busy day behind you!” These statements can begin better conversations than simply asking, “How was your day?” because the child has already heard that you understand he or she has a lot of feelings and he or she does not have to worry about convincing you of this.

Set Appropriate Limits

This guideline is fairly self-explanatory. It is important to be clear and concise about family rules, and to make sure your expectations are age-appropriate. Some children benefit from a visual reminder of expectations, and they may enjoy making a list or drawing to post in a visible spot at home. This helps them feel a part of the process of developing and reinforcing rules, and helps them to be more invested in following through with them.

The same is true with consequences. I encourage families to discuss what the consequences should be when a person breaks a rule, and to change them as needed to encourage better cooperation. Most of the time children come up with fantastic ideas! Following through with consequences is critical to any behavior modification program. Make sure you are willing and able to reinforce the ones you choose.

Teach New Skills

Modeling is an important way to show children how you expect them to behave. If you consistently speak with them in a quiet, calm voice, you are teaching them that this is the behavior you are wanting from them. If parents raise their voices, especially when encouraging their child to calm down, they are demonstrating that yelling is okay to do. In that situation, I encourage parents to ‘re-do’ the interaction and explain to their child that the second way they behaved was the correct way. Most children can accept the idea that parents make mistakes, but they do not like it when parents behave in a way that is inconsistent with their own rules.

Reduce power struggles

“Choose your battles” is an expression that has circulated among parents for generations. I use it here to remind us all that, just like our children, we cannot always get what we want! Rather than reinforcing too many expectations, it is easier and more effective to choose the three most important at any given time.

Offering choices is another effective technique to engage your child in the correct behavior while giving her or him a sense of control as well. An example of this is asking, “Would you rather put on your pajamas upstairs or in the living room?” Either way the pajamas will be put on, yet the child gets to be a part of the process.

Let kids earn privileges! Children today have so much, and this weakens their investment in ‘working’ toward something. It should not be presumed that kids get desserts, treats, TV/computer time, or special privileges just because you love them. These are rewards in life, and it is important for kids to realize this. If they go into the adult world expecting to get what they want without working for it, they will be unprepared.

Where to go from here

Keep reading. There are so many wonderful books and resources out there, and no technique will work all the time. It is important to keep your parenting ideas current by talking with other parents/family members, gathering ideas (even when you do not have a problem), and experimenting to see what will work for your family at any given age/stage.

Finally, take care of yourself. A rested and well-nourished parent has the greatest likelihood of consistently using positive parenting techniques. Remember the airplane example of putting your oxygen mask on before you help your children with theirs if there is a change in cabin pressure? Parents must help themselves before they can effectively help their children.

Best of luck on your parenting journey!

Resources:

Books
• Love & Limits: Guidance Tools for Creative Parenting by Elizabeth Crary
• Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Problems by Jane Nelson, ED.D, Lynn Lott, M.A., and H. Stephen Glenn
• The Everything Parent’s Guide to Positive Discipline: Professional Advice for Raising a Well-behaved Child by Carl E. Pickhardt, PhD
• Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson, ED.D
• Loving Your Child is not Enough: Positive Discipline that Works by Nancy Samalin with Martha M. Jablow

Books (Early Childhood)

• Positive Parenting: Raising Healthy Children from Birth to Three Years by Alvin Eden MD
• 365 Wacky, Wonderful Ways to Get Your Children to Do What You want by Elizabeth Crary
• Tired of Nagging? 30 Days to Positive Parenting by Virginia Stowe MSN

Websites:

• Positiveparenting.com
• Positivediscipline.com
• Positive Parenting Radio featured on MrDad.com