This is my fourth attempt at writing this blog. The other three sit in my draft folder — perhaps to be finished another day. Each time I'd start writing with a simple concept in mind, then I look back and I have this half-completed novella on a completely different topic. And I don't know where to go from there. And I try again.
Not this time.
I'm just going to write. Whatever I come up with is what I will release. No re-writing. Maybe just add a few graphics at the end to give it some color. I doubt it will be my best, hopefully it's not my worst, and yet, it's me, where I am now, and that's okay.
Let's see what happens.
Anxiety and Indecision
Yesterday, I was in the kitchen and needed to go to the bedroom to get something. After about two steps, I turned back to the kitchen to get something else. Before I was back in the kitchen, I headed to the basement stairs to grab something different. Half-way down the stairs, I turned around and walked back to the kitchen. When I arrived, I just stopped and stood there. Baffled.
Whether it's trying to write a blog post, or grab something from the bedroom or basement, my brain has not been operating at peak performance lately.
Part of this is emotionally driven. I've had this pressure slowly rising up in my chest all week. It's a combination of fear, overwhelm, and dread. It's not the first time I've had this by far, but that familiarity doesn't lessen its effects. I have an upcoming event I am not looking forward to, and that clouds everything else in my life right now.
Even when something good happens, I have a tendency to block it. It's an old pattern for me. I unconsciously tell myself, "not now. I can't feel good now. How can I feel good when something bad is coming?" And the good feeling wanes.
I'm not a whole lot of fun to be around like this, and I wish I wasn't this way most of the time. But sometimes, it's where I'm at, and I have to accept it as it is.
I think many of you can relate to this. We've all faced adversity in our lives, and we've all had to find ways to overcome it. I'm no exception to that rule.
When our emotions overwhelm us, we have to decide how we are going to respond. Do we push them aside and hope that they won't return? That was my method for many years, and well, it hasn't worked out too well. Or, do we deal with them at the time and take the bad with the good? While that seems a lot more logical, it's rarely the path we tread.
Perhaps you're dealing with something similar. Perhaps it's boarding an airplane for the first time in years, or confronting a perceived enemy face-to-face. Maybe it's an upcoming social gathering, public speech, medical test, or college exam. Maybe it's just leaving the house for the first time in two weeks. The cause is irrelevant. The effects are anything but.
How we deal with our emotions matters. We can't always deal with them in the moment, but we also can't shove them aside and assume they will never return. Finding healthy ways to process them is essential.
Summing It All Up
Perhaps this was all gobbledy-gook. I wouldn't be surprised. I liken it to a consciousness stream with no direction. Just open my mind's door, and let it flow. Then again, perhaps there was a touch of wisdom somewhere inside there. Who knows.
One of the key things I've learned throughout my past decade recovering from benzo withdrawal and BIND, is to just be me.
I am me. Warts and all, as I often say on my podcast. And I will never be anybody else. Comparisons lead to disillusion, which leads to depression. Yes, we can improve ourselves in many ways, and we should try when possible. But, many aspects of ourselves will never change. And learning to accept, and even like, those aspects of ourselves is key to a better life.
Our emotions are part of us. An important part. An essential part. Even the ones that don't feel so good. We may not want to make major decisions based on them, but we still need to feel them. At some point, we have to give our emotions the attention they crave. Process them. And let them pass in a healthy manner.
Well, that's what I had to say — I guess. I know this post sounds a bit negative. It wasn't my intention when Is started to write it. I'm doing okay, actually. I'm going to push through this upcoming event and I know I'll feel better on the other side. I'm just very introspective today and perhaps it showed.
Thanks for your patience.